I did not allow this to ruin my mission. Since I am both a creative and crafty cook-in-training, I remembered that we did receive a very fun red muffin tray. Obviously, cupcakes were the route to take.
After one frustrating experience and a sinful sundae from outback later, I’ve come away with 2 lessons. First, there is a difference between "self-rising" and "all purpose" flour. Second, when the recipe suggests filling the muffin tins half-way, that is probably a good idea.